Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Author: writersamr (Page 23 of 45)

I’m scared

Got my annual gastroscopy coming up next Friday. Been thinking about it for over a week already and there’s still eight days to go. I think it might make it easier if I admit to being scared and make it really obvious. What’s the point in hiding it? It’s normal to be anxious. So.

I’m scared. I’m worried about what the outcome will be. I am scared and that’s normal.

If you have a scan or a checkup coming up soon too and you’re scared, it’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared. Give yourself a break. Let yourself be. The waiting is the worst bit. (Actually, the gastroscopy itself is rubbish too so it’s all crap really, but whatever.) The waiting is hard. But do what you can. It is what it is.

Look at me, talking like I have all the answers. I don’t know any better than anyone else. i’m just trying to get by, and thinking that maybe admitting fear exists makes it a tiny bit smaller somehow. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to be honest about it. There is no shame here, only truth. I’m scared and that’s normal. I’m scared, and that’s normal.

Concentrate on the things you do know

I was trying to figure out if I have anxiety or ptsd or what, because all this health stuff makes me feel crazy. And I don’t think I have ptsd because I don’t think the medical definition of ptsd applies to me. Plus, it feels like things aren’t over, but they’re still happening – because of having to go for checkups, etc. So maybe it’s not ptsd because I’m not just struggling with the past but worrying about the future.

Continue reading

I would rather have grief

I would rather have grief
than emptiness,
is it so wrong to feel
envious
of people who have loved
and lost?

I would take a memory
over a story, any day

I would take a funeral
I could actually remember

I would take anything that’s
more than a teddy
and a grave
and an empty head.

Writing work

In reference to my last blog post, it did pass. Sometimes it helps just to stop thinking and let yourself be distracted. So, all is well. In this moment at least, and isn’t that the most important moment?

Today I’ve been at my job, doing a little uni work, and planning my trip to Stockholm this summer. I’ve also put a newsletter subscription form on my site so people can sign up for my latest nonsense, if that’s the kind of thing you like to subject yourself to!

Plus, today I wrote a limerick, which is slightly out of character for me! I’ve put it on my Patreon page, so that makes it even more exclusive. I’m sure my hundreds of patrons (ha) will really enjoy it! If you have a burning desire to read my limerick and other stuff I only post on my Patreon page, $1 per month is a pretty good deal for reading all my gibberish. Join me there!

anarchy

will writing my feelings cement them in the present?

am I an architect of my own bad feeling

or is it just anarchy, anarchy in my body and my

mind? I am so scared of my own body and what

it will do next and there is no elegant way to say

that; the best way to say it is bluntly, but at the

same time sharply, because that’s how it feels.

I’m scared of my body but maybe not for a good

reason, so maybe I’m paranoid or a hypochondriac

and maybe I should be scared of that, too. My body

is a teenager, so close to me, and my responsibility,

but so out of my control and though this feeling will

come and go, fluctuating as my body changes, it

will never go away. Whether I’m messed up in my

body or just in my head, I will always be this way.

New Story Published Online!

Hello! I’ve had a short story published in an online zine today. Well, it’s sort of a very short fiction thing based on real life but sort of fictional. It’s metaphorical, which I love, and based on my health experiences and feelings around that. You can find it in issue 12 of Degenerate Literature. Hope you like it, and if it resonates with anyone please let me know – it’s awesome to connect with people who have had similar feelings and experiences!

Top 10 Cancer Blog of 2016!

I’m so pleased to say that this blog has been named one of the top ten cancer blogs of 2016!

The lovely people over at IHadCancer.com listed their ten top cancer blogs of last year, and out of hundreds of submissions, mine was one of the top ten!

So, I can now say I’m officially an award-winning blogger, right?! I’m even gonna get a badge to put on my blog and everything.

I mean, when I submitted my blog for consideration I didn’t even know it was for an award type thing, I just thought they were putting a list of resources together. And I thought my blog would be too poem-y and not quite as bloggy as others to merit consideration. So this is really cool.

And best of all, it’s really inspired me and motivated me to keep writing, and blogging, and posting my poetry. I feel appreciated and like what I do matters, and that is the best start to the new year I could have gotten. So a huge thank you to the guys and girls at IHC – it might sound silly but this really means a lot. You’ll all be hearing a lot more from me in 2017. This is my year.

I can see I’m in great company, and it’s really cool to be connecting to other cancer bloggers on Twitter, too. You can see the list of all the top ten blogs and special mentions on the IHadCancer.com website.

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