I’ve decided that flouncing in and out of weird moods triggered by, well, cancer-related triggers, is not good enough. I know I’m struggling to be positive but when I get into a funk, I get so deep into it that it’s like I lose sight of how and where I came in and it’s like I’m not even sad for the original reasons anymore, I’m just unhappy without knowing why. I think there are a lot of things I get upset about – what I’ve been through in the past, fear that I might get cancer again, feeling upset that so much has changed and I don’t feel like my old self anymore – I think that’s the biggie a the moment. (Why I’m struggling so much now, five years on, I have no idea.)
So I’m going to try to fix things. Because I guess sometimes happiness doesn’t just come naturally, you have to work at getting it. I never had to work at it before, which is upsetting in itself. But one thing at a time. (I did do a Google search for how to get self-confidence back after cancer but it turned up fuck all, so I’m just making it up as I go along.) I need to get my self-confidence back – I don’t know where it went, because generally my ego is pretty big – I love myself usually, I’m just not feeling like myself right now, so one way to fix that is to remind myself how awesome I am.
So this can be cancer-related or nothing to do with it, depending on what I’m feeling at the time. I’ll start off with a thought, just one positive sentence about myself, and I’ll hopefully be able to build on it into one big ego-fest. Yes, I’m intentionally going on an ego trip. And because I’ve written it down here, I’ll have to do it. Just one sentence per day. I’ll let you know how it goes – surely it can’t be too hard?