Category: Cancer Survivorship (Page 1 of 11)

Crying while listening to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” is an act of defiance.

Though it does feel a bit strange sobbing as the radio is telling you to “turn up the festive feelgood”. Maybe because the real act of defiance is putting the Christmas radio station on as soon as it starts in late September.

But I want to and I won’t apologise for listening to Christmas music too early. Christmas does come earlier each year but I’m going to embrace it. Because Christmas brings me so much joy and I want to squeeze as much joy and Christmas out of the year as I can, to keep it going for as long as possible. Life is just too difficult not to get as much joy out of it as you can manage.

Why is life difficult? Because while I’m thinking about the approach to Christmas I inevitably end up wondering if I will have medical appointments between now and then. If the possibility of having cancer a fourth time might crop up between now and then. If any of my Christmas plans might be scuppered by appointments or fears or procedures.

So I’ll listen to Michael Buble in September and start my Christmas shopping before Halloween and watch Christmas movies in October and I won’t apologise for it. Life literally is too fucking short for that.

I could finish my PhD
I can feel fulfilled by my career
I could get married and we could adopt a kid
We could get two pet cats
I could live to be 40, 50, 60, 70, even 80
But I will never stop having CMMRD

We could win the lottery and that wouldn’t change my yearly tests – not the fact I have to have them or the outcome of them.

I could have all the good fortune and success in the world and that won’t reduce my cancer risk, it won’t alleviate my anxiety, it won’t change my health.

And I guess on the surface, this comes from a place of despair, of knowing my health worries won’t end until I die. And that might make everything seem a bit pointless.

But beyond that, on the flip side, there is acceptance.

If I can accept this state of affairs,
if I can realise what won’t change and take solace in what will,
if I can come to terms with my condition and what’s required to keep me alive and well,
if I can take this as part and parcel of my life –

maybe fulfilment and success are possible, and maybe peace of mind is that little bit more attainable.