When you message your friends back like “all good” but nothing this week has been very good, it just takes more energy to talk about it than it does to lie at this point

and the drink isn’t blotting out the week nearly enough

and you don’t want to be that needy, moaning friend all the time anyway and then you wonder when in the hell did you get this needy anyway

and you tweet it and then delete it because you don’t want your friends to see and think you’re just no fun and you’re just a chore and you just have too many health problems and/or paranoias

I either had my first panic attack this week or my antibiotics were trying to murder me

maybe both

so things haven’t been great

and I haven’t been able to drink on these tablets so I waited until tonight and I don’t even feel that drunk, I’m just tired

but I guess drinking and sleeping both work to blot out the world

worst thing is I stopped taking them before I finished the course so the problem still hasn’t gone away and it’s always just one thing after another and it just never fucking ends

I can’t remember what it was like to not be that person who has all the health problems

and I hate it

sometimes I feel like I am a shadow of my former self

I don’t know if it’s my body, or if it’s just me getting older, or if it’s something else

but I feel muted

and I wish I could mute the world tonight, this weekend, this month, this year

but I seem to have spent half the year so far getting upset

and everything is so very loud.