Sam Alexandra Rose

Tag: personal

  • Some Personal Thoughts On Linkin Park

    If I get to bed late tonight it’s because I’m sat watching the one Linkin Park gig I went to on YouTube in its entirety.

    It was Projekt Revolution in 2008 at Milton Keynes Bowl, and for some reason we were sat right up on the hill, not in the crowd where I have been for all my other gigs. It was the Jay Z era and he made an appearance, but I wasn’t interested in him. Another friend of mine was there with some other friends – he was closer, but he got hit on the head by a flying bottle near the beginning of their set and spent the rest of the night in the medical tent with a concussion.

    (more…)

  • New Guest Post On A Chronic Voice

    This week I was honoured to be able to guest blog over at A Chronic Voice! My post talks about the different identities that may be associated with us after a cancer diagnosis, and whether illness forms part of our identity. You can check it out here: Does Illness Form Part of Your Identity? As always, thanks for reading and let me know what you think!

  • Walk in the Park

    I had a dream we were going for a walk in the park
    because that is what he enjoyed doing.
    I don’t know if that is really true.
    He might have hated walking. 

    They wanted me to come on the walk.
    Mother, my niece, my nephews.
    The kids saw it as a nice trip out.
    Everyone easy-going.
    I was not part of any of their experiences,
    caught somewhere between being a
    sibling and a stranger.
    He mattered too much and not enough.
    Here and not.
    Known and not.
    Mine and not. 

    I didn’t want to go on the walk,
    or be with any of them
    so while they got ready
    I stood in the kitchen for ages
    leaning on the countertop,
    eyes glazed over, my blank stares
    making the refrigerator feel uncomfortable.
    Mother just laughed at me and asked
    why I stood there for so long.

  • I feel the same way about

    I feel the same way about people liking me and wanting to spend time with me as I do about people speaking in Swedish: I accept it, I love it, but I don’t really understand it.

  • everything is loud

    When you message your friends back like “all good” but nothing this week has been very good, it just takes more energy to talk about it than it does to lie at this point

    and the drink isn’t blotting out the week nearly enough

    (more…)

  • Tumblr reblog

    Saw this tweet today and it got me thinking:

    Yeah, I guess grief is the price you pay for love but though I’m sure I loved my brother as much as a baby possibly could, I don’t remember it and it’s as if he was never here at all. So I’ve paid the price in terms of grief, sort of, in a way, but I don’t feel like I got the pay off of love.

    (Context: my big brother died when I was one year old. He was sixteen. I’m 29 and I’m still trying to figure this stuff out. I need someone to tell me how to grieve.)

  • does this remind you

  • Five ways I have seen myself today

    Five ways I have seen myself today

    Still got health stuff to sort out which I’ve asked my doctor for a referral for. Nothing major but I’m sick of dealing with it every time it flares up and at the moment it just seems like it’s one thing after another to deal with, constantly, all the time.

    (more…)

  • scanxiety

    I don’t think I have ever been so stressed out about going for checkups before.

    I don’t know why this time feels so much worse. I don’t even like being distracted because every time the distraction goes away it’s like waking up from a good dream and remembering that everything is shit. Actually, those couple of minutes when I’m just waking up are the best part of the day because I’m still half asleep and haven’t yet remembered anything.

    But I’ll be out with friends and family on Thursday night. And Friday is basically a day off work, taking some drugs in the morning, and spending the rest of the day on the sofa watching Netflix. And hopefully everything will feel better and I’ll be back to my normal self. Because these past few weeks have not been fun at all.

  • Positive Thoughts!

    Next Friday I’m going for my checkups and I’m trying to be positive about it, so this is a post to say that it’s good to have checkups. They’re just checkups – it doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen, it just means if anythng bad did happen it would be dealt with quickly, so it would be less of a problem.

    And I have the day off work, and my boyfriend is taking me to the hospital and has the day off too, so we can spend the afternoon on the couch together, and we’re going out for an early Valentine’s day, shopping and dinner on the Sunday, which will be good, so it might just turn out to be a nice long weekend.

    I’m sick of feeling messed up by this stuff. Positive vibes, positive vibes!