Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Tag: personal (Page 3 of 6)

2017 in review, sort of

Home alone, feeling reflective or otherwise emotionally riled for no real reason, and in possession of a lot of Jack Daniels. Four bottles, in fact. Obviously I’m only going to have like two glasses; it’s just interesting that I have so much in the house at the moment. Good to know it’s there, I guess – though I will have to pick a different alcohol when I eventually go to the supermarket to do my “will I still get ID’d now that I’m thirty?” test.

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tubes in places they shouldn’t be

tubes in places they shouldn’t be
there have been floods here
burst pipes, now there’s a
clear plastic tube coming out of the plughole
sticking out of the sink
trailing out of the door
droplets floating down the tubes
drips
drips
drips from the ceiling

tubes in places they shouldn’t be
there has been blood here
tubes in veins
blood transfusions
morphine drip, anti-sickness
droplets floating down the tubes
drip
drip
drip of memories
in places where they shouldn’t be

Late night introspection

Been at home for most of the day and I decide it’s time to write a blog post at 11:20pm. Better make it quick!

Tonight has turned very introspective. I have been reading online and thinking about how maybe I have some kind of social anxiety and that holds me back by making me think I can’t do the things I might want to, making me unable to say stuff in meetings, not want to go to social events sometimes, not want to do things that make me the centre of attention. There is a CBT app but it’s like $99 for a month which seems pretty expensive. I’m in therapy at the moment, three sessions in but I’m not sure if it’s really doing anything for me and I have three sessions left and don’t really know what I’m going to talk about in them. Anyway, I’ve just been thinking about the things I wish I could change, really. And social anxiety might be something I can change. But the things I’ve been talking to my therapist about seem to be things that we can’t change, like having bad dreams, flashbacks, bad memories, anxiety about checkups. Cancer-related things, seem to be things I can’t change, or that’s what it’s sounding like.

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I asked our mum

On Tuesday I had my first counselling appointment. My pouch has been playing up for like five days. Last night I had another bad dream. Next Friday is my uncle’s funeral. It hasn’t been the best of weeks. This prose thing that follows happened last weekend.

I wanted to make something out of this, a poem or something. But it is what it is. It doesn’t need dressing up.

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Notes on losing myself

I wrote the below passage when I got to my desk this morning because on the drive to work I had been thinking about my uncle who doesn’t have long left with us, and that made me think about my brother and all the things I don’t know and don’t dare ask about his passing, and naturally my thoughts turned to myself, so here we are. And I hesitated before sharing this because even though I have been writing this stuff here for a while now, it still seems like maybe it’s weird or oversharing, but above all I feel like it is important and we should talk about mental and emotional health after cancer, even if people don’t want us to, even if nobody else is, even if nobody is listening. So here we are.

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Editing Your Life With Jay Z

Driving the 20-30 minutes home from my parents’ house tonight (which is always lovely, in the dark – very contemplative), I stumbled upon an interview with Jay Z from when he was in the Live Lounge on Radio 1. I must admit I wasn’t sure who it was at first, but he said some things that really resonated with me so I thought I’d hammer out a quick blog post about it before going to do a bit of my jigsaw puzzle (also quite relaxing and contemplative). I haven’t listened to much Jay Z in the past but halfway through the interview they played one of his songs with Linkin Park – Numb/Encore and I did have a bit of a sniffle at that because he dedicated it to Chester, it being the first time Jay Z performed it since Chester died. And having Linkin Park play unexpectedly does seem to have that effect on me since his passing. That, and I don’t think I have let out some of the things that have been happening family-wise lately, so it was good to get a bit of it out.

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scar stories

my best friend is the one who
not only let me talk about my scars
and listened, but was
bold enough to ask to see them,
sweet enough to tell me they were badass,
and trusting enough to show me his own.

the socially awkward cycle

I think I feel self-conscious because I’m quiet. It’s not that I’m quiet because I’m anxious – my quietness is making me anxious. I am socially awkward because I am socially awkward. My very nature is doing this to me. What a riveting cycle.

I worry that when I’m quiet people will think I am boring and won’t want to hang around with me anymore. I don’t have any past experience to base this on except for one thing someone said about me and a friend parroted back to me when we were about seventeen. Yet it still makes me paranoid. So, that’s my personal discovery for the day, what was yours? Hopefully something a bit nicer.

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