Sam Alexandra Rose

Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Category: Cancer Survivorship (Page 8 of 11)

scanxiety

February 8, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I don’t think I have ever been so stressed out about going for checkups before.

I don’t know why this time feels so much worse. I don’t even like being distracted because every time the distraction goes away it’s like waking up from a good dream and remembering that everything is shit. Actually, those couple of minutes when I’m just waking up are the best part of the day because I’m still half asleep and haven’t yet remembered anything.

But I’ll be out with friends and family on Thursday night. And Friday is basically a day off work, taking some drugs in the morning, and spending the rest of the day on the sofa watching Netflix. And hopefully everything will feel better and I’ll be back to my normal self. Because these past few weeks have not been fun at all.

We’re Making The Right Choices

February 3, 2017 / / 0 Comments

Whenever someone says they don’t have a choice about something, I always think, well there’s always a choice – no matter what the subject matter is. You can just do nothing. You can sit still, hole up, you can struggle or not struggle, whatever situation you are in. You can keep hoping or lose hope. You can try or not try. You can keep going or give up.

So the other day when I was thinking about how I deal wih being a cancer survivor and I thought ‘well I have to deal with it, I haven’t been given a choice or been asked if I wanted it or not’, I immediately thought – as an involuntary reflex – ‘you always have a choice’.

So I thought about it, and I’m right. I don’t have to do the things that I do. I don’t have to go to screenings or checkups, and I never had to go along with genetic testing. I don’t have to do anything at all, ever. I could just bury my head in the sand, but I don’t. I’m making the right decisions. I’m doing as well as I can in the circumstances. I have a choice and I am making the right choices. And if you’re going to checkups, and monitoring yourself, and keeping on top of all your health-related stuff. you’re making the right choices, too. And I think that’s a little bit affirming. A little something to hold onto.

Positive Thoughts!

February 1, 2017 / / 0 Comments

Next Friday I’m going for my checkups and I’m trying to be positive about it, so this is a post to say that it’s good to have checkups. They’re just checkups – it doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen, it just means if anythng bad did happen it would be dealt with quickly, so it would be less of a problem.

And I have the day off work, and my boyfriend is taking me to the hospital and has the day off too, so we can spend the afternoon on the couch together, and we’re going out for an early Valentine’s day, shopping and dinner on the Sunday, which will be good, so it might just turn out to be a nice long weekend.

I’m sick of feeling messed up by this stuff. Positive vibes, positive vibes!

Disappointing packages

January 25, 2017 / / 0 Comments

It’s been a stressful week.

I just realised it’s only Wednesday.

Well, shit.

Well, no, it’s actually okay now. Basically I went to see my consultant in October and he said he would send me for a gastroscopy in January, but not bother with a sigmoidoscopy this time around. At the end of December I got an appointment through for this coming Friday.

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I’m scared

January 18, 2017 / / 0 Comments

Got my annual gastroscopy coming up next Friday. Been thinking about it for over a week already and there’s still eight days to go. I think it might make it easier if I admit to being scared and make it really obvious. What’s the point in hiding it? It’s normal to be anxious. So.

I’m scared. I’m worried about what the outcome will be. I am scared and that’s normal.

If you have a scan or a checkup coming up soon too and you’re scared, it’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared. Give yourself a break. Let yourself be. The waiting is the worst bit. (Actually, the gastroscopy itself is rubbish too so it’s all crap really, but whatever.) The waiting is hard. But do what you can. It is what it is.

Look at me, talking like I have all the answers. I don’t know any better than anyone else. i’m just trying to get by, and thinking that maybe admitting fear exists makes it a tiny bit smaller somehow. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to be honest about it. There is no shame here, only truth. I’m scared and that’s normal. I’m scared, and that’s normal.

Concentrate on the things you do know

January 14, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I was trying to figure out if I have anxiety or ptsd or what, because all this health stuff makes me feel crazy. And I don’t think I have ptsd because I don’t think the medical definition of ptsd applies to me. Plus, it feels like things aren’t over, but they’re still happening – because of having to go for checkups, etc. So maybe it’s not ptsd because I’m not just struggling with the past but worrying about the future.

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Top 10 Cancer Blog of 2016!

January 6, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I’m so pleased to say that this blog has been named one of the top ten cancer blogs of 2016!

The lovely people over at IHadCancer.com listed their ten top cancer blogs of last year, and out of hundreds of submissions, mine was one of the top ten!

So, I can now say I’m officially an award-winning blogger, right?! I’m even gonna get a badge to put on my blog and everything.

I mean, when I submitted my blog for consideration I didn’t even know it was for an award type thing, I just thought they were putting a list of resources together. And I thought my blog would be too poem-y and not quite as bloggy as others to merit consideration. So this is really cool.

And best of all, it’s really inspired me and motivated me to keep writing, and blogging, and posting my poetry. I feel appreciated and like what I do matters, and that is the best start to the new year I could have gotten. So a huge thank you to the guys and girls at IHC – it might sound silly but this really means a lot. You’ll all be hearing a lot more from me in 2017. This is my year.

I can see I’m in great company, and it’s really cool to be connecting to other cancer bloggers on Twitter, too. You can see the list of all the top ten blogs and special mentions on the IHadCancer.com website.

my cancer story

November 18, 2016 / / 0 Comments

I wasn’t planning to do this tonight, but I have been asked today what my cancer story is, and not for the first time. So I’m basically doing now what I intended to do when I was first asked by someone on Tumblr a few months ago but never got around to – a brief summary of my cancer story.

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self-help scrapbook

November 11, 2016 / / 0 Comments

So I’ve been thinking about getting counselling to help with fear of recurrence, self confidence and body confidence stuff, but there are a number of reasons why I’m apprehensive about getting counselling. So I thought I’d try to be proactive in giving myself some self-therapy. I haven’t found much on the internet about how to do this, but the above is a really quick list of a few things I’d like to put in a kind of self-affirmation scrapbook. Other things I thought of after I took the pic were poems I’ve written that I’m really happy with, poems I’ve had published that I’m proud of, and my favourite selfies. I’m not sure if I’m going about this the right way. Like, I could keep adding to the book and read the positive things in it, and use it to identify things I want to change and figure out how to change them as well. I don’t know, what do you think?

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IHadCancer.com Best Cancer Blog Award Winner 2016, Runner-up 2017

IHadCancer.com Best Cancer Blog Awards

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