Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)
It’s been a stressful week.
I just realised it’s only Wednesday.
Well, shit.
Well, no, it’s actually okay now. Basically I went to see my consultant in October and he said he would send me for a gastroscopy in January, but not bother with a sigmoidoscopy this time around. At the end of December I got an appointment through for this coming Friday.
Got my annual gastroscopy coming up next Friday. Been thinking about it for over a week already and there’s still eight days to go. I think it might make it easier if I admit to being scared and make it really obvious. What’s the point in hiding it? It’s normal to be anxious. So.
I’m scared. I’m worried about what the outcome will be. I am scared and that’s normal.
If you have a scan or a checkup coming up soon too and you’re scared, it’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared. Give yourself a break. Let yourself be. The waiting is the worst bit. (Actually, the gastroscopy itself is rubbish too so it’s all crap really, but whatever.) The waiting is hard. But do what you can. It is what it is.
Look at me, talking like I have all the answers. I don’t know any better than anyone else. i’m just trying to get by, and thinking that maybe admitting fear exists makes it a tiny bit smaller somehow. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to be honest about it. There is no shame here, only truth. I’m scared and that’s normal. I’m scared, and that’s normal.
I was trying to figure out if I have anxiety or ptsd or what, because all this health stuff makes me feel crazy. And I don’t think I have ptsd because I don’t think the medical definition of ptsd applies to me. Plus, it feels like things aren’t over, but they’re still happening – because of having to go for checkups, etc. So maybe it’s not ptsd because I’m not just struggling with the past but worrying about the future.
I would rather have grief
than emptiness,
is it so wrong to feel
envious
of people who have loved
and lost?
I would take a memory
over a story, any day
I would take a funeral
I could actually remember
I would take anything that’s
more than a teddy
and a grave
and an empty head.
In reference to my last blog post, it did pass. Sometimes it helps just to stop thinking and let yourself be distracted. So, all is well. In this moment at least, and isn’t that the most important moment?
Today I’ve been at my job, doing a little uni work, and planning my trip to Stockholm this summer. I’ve also put a newsletter subscription form on my site so people can sign up for my latest nonsense, if that’s the kind of thing you like to subject yourself to!
Plus, today I wrote a limerick, which is slightly out of character for me! I’ve put it on my Patreon page, so that makes it even more exclusive. I’m sure my hundreds of patrons (ha) will really enjoy it! If you have a burning desire to read my limerick and other stuff I only post on my Patreon page, $1 per month is a pretty good deal for reading all my gibberish. Join me there!
One day I might just be another sad story. And who knows how soon that will be? So right now spending even a second doing something I don’t want to do seems unthinkable.
Thought I’d write a quick post explaining the last poem I put up. I tweeted a couple of things but it turns out 140 characters isn’t quite long enough for what I wanted to say.
will writing my feelings cement them in the present?
am I an architect of my own bad feeling
or is it just anarchy, anarchy in my body and my
mind? I am so scared of my own body and what
it will do next and there is no elegant way to say
that; the best way to say it is bluntly, but at the
same time sharply, because that’s how it feels.
I’m scared of my body but maybe not for a good
reason, so maybe I’m paranoid or a hypochondriac
and maybe I should be scared of that, too. My body
is a teenager, so close to me, and my responsibility,
but so out of my control and though this feeling will
come and go, fluctuating as my body changes, it
will never go away. Whether I’m messed up in my
body or just in my head, I will always be this way.
Hello! I’ve had a short story published in an online zine today. Well, it’s sort of a very short fiction thing based on real life but sort of fictional. It’s metaphorical, which I love, and based on my health experiences and feelings around that. You can find it in issue 12 of Degenerate Literature. Hope you like it, and if it resonates with anyone please let me know – it’s awesome to connect with people who have had similar feelings and experiences!
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