Have another life update blog post, because that seems to be all I’m good for at the moment. Having said that, I have written one or two poems, but while I previously posted a lot of them on my blog and didn’t leave many for submitting, I now seem to be swinging completely the other way. I promise I will post some new poetry on here soon.
Anyway, I’m updating today because I had an appointment with the surgeon who will be doing my whipple procedure. I’m one month post-hysterectomy, and I’ve been passed over from gynae, who have said no further action is required from their side of things. My stomach is still a bit sore especially if I’ve been particularly active, but I’m going to try driving tomorrow, and I’ve come a long way.
So this next thing is called a whipple procedure, where they remove some of the small bowel and the head of the pancreas, the gallbladder and the bile duct. It’s a six hour or so operation, one or two days in intensive care, seven to ten days in hospital in total, and a difficult recovery, by the sound of it. I feel more prepared today than I have done, as I haven’t been looking online for fear of misinformation/reading up on things that aren’t actually relevant to me, as whipples can vary in terms of how much stuff is taken, etc. So we got lots of information today, and the surgeon and nurse were quite reassuring. They do this all the time, it’s a pretty common procedure, and surprisingly to me, it’s also quite common for people to have one surgery after another in quick succession, which made me feel a bit better about it all. A bit less of a special, complicated case.
However, I have learnt that it is quite easy to feel better about it when you’re at the hospital talking about it, then go back to daily life and sort of forget that feeling of reassurance/normality and freak out again. I keep remembering that the operation is going to be sometime around the end of this month or the beginning of next month and it’s like being told all over again, and suddenly it’s real, when previously it had been put to the back of my mind, even if it was just for a minute. So yes, I am more prepared, but I am still scared. And upset. Not angry, though. I wish I could just be angry. That would be easier.
It has been very difficult to write poetry because I am scared of what might come out. Or rather, I don’t want to think about things, and poetry, or at least the poetry I am used to writing, demands it. I am just feeling very sad and scared and sorry for myself. I hate it. I hate all of it. But… at least it looks like I might be feeling better by Christmas, or even my birthday. So there is that. And the nurse today was very encouraging saying it will feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but that there will be, and that I will bounce back – just not as quickly as I might expect, so I should be prepared for that. And I know that from my last operation. For the first few days when I came home from the hospital it felt like there was no end in sight. But here we are. So, there is also that.