Been at home for most of the day and I decide it’s time to write a blog post at 11:20pm. Better make it quick!
Tonight has turned very introspective. I have been reading online and thinking about how maybe I have some kind of social anxiety and that holds me back by making me think I can’t do the things I might want to, making me unable to say stuff in meetings, not want to go to social events sometimes, not want to do things that make me the centre of attention. There is a CBT app but it’s like $99 for a month which seems pretty expensive. I’m in therapy at the moment, three sessions in but I’m not sure if it’s really doing anything for me and I have three sessions left and don’t really know what I’m going to talk about in them. Anyway, I’ve just been thinking about the things I wish I could change, really. And social anxiety might be something I can change. But the things I’ve been talking to my therapist about seem to be things that we can’t change, like having bad dreams, flashbacks, bad memories, anxiety about checkups. Cancer-related things, seem to be things I can’t change, or that’s what it’s sounding like.
Speaking of checkups, a few years ago my genetic counsellor sent me for some sort of endometrial checkups but the consultant said to wait until I was 28, and I’m nearly 30 and haven’t gone back yet. So… I should do something about that. But I’m scared and tired of it all. Maybe after Christmas. Maybe after my checkups in January/February.
On a positive note, I wrote nearly 1,000 words of my novel today, so I’m keeping up with my NaNo plans to finish a first draft by the end of the month. I feel like I should have been more productive today, though. There is always so much to do with my writing and Peeking Cat, so much I could be doing. I haven’t felt like writing poetry for ages, either. I feel like I’m getting in my own way sometimes or not doing enough. I did do some Christmas shopping online though, so there is that, I guess.
I dunno, there’s just so much that could be better. On the other hand, there are a lot of things that are great. I just feel like in a few ways I’m my own worst enemy. When I met my partner I was too shy to even make eye contact with him. So, I have progressed, I guess. In eleven years, I would hope so. It’s not even like I have low confidence, really. I mean, I have never thought of myself as someone who worries about what other people think of me. But isn’t social anxiety a fear of being judged, so was I kidding myself all those years when I said I had a big ego and I didn’t care what other people thought? Have I been lying to myself and now it’s all come undone?
Well, this isn’t feeling brilliant, so I’m going to bed and maybe things will look brighter again in the morning!