Been a bit of a funny week. Heard a lot about various people’s illnesses, which reminds me of my own. Which might be a bit selfish or something, to be thinking about how other people’s troubles make me think about my own, but can’t really be helped. One of them was really close to home and I would have preferred not to hear about it. But never mind. I’ve been having some unpleasant memories about being in hospital, recovering at home and stuff. Might also be because I have quite a few checkups coming up. Saw a baby in the pub last night, which also made me a bit sad. It wasn’t particularly cute but it was tiny – a fresh human. His mother looked absolutely besotted. Oh, and I’m sad about my hair still feeling really thin. Not sure what to do about that. Any tips?
And generally low-key worried about literally anything happening to my body, even the smallest ailment, because I feel like I just can’t cope with it, emotionally, like the slightest thing might tip me over the edge. I think the bad memories are better than thinking about what the future might hold, because even when I imagine good things happening, I worry that something will come along and interrupt it. Like, I want to do my PhD, but what if I get cancer again while I’m studying? Or, I’m going on a big holiday next year, but what if something health-related happens to me between now and then and we have to cancel it? Or even, it’s bank holiday, but what if I get an abscess again and it’s all I can think about?
Apart from that, all is well! I’ve had some really good feedback about my PhD proposal, so I’m hoping to submit my application very soon. I’m taking my other half to Florida next year, which we are very excited about. I’m loving the banter with my work colleagues at the moment. And it’s a bank holiday weekend, with very little planned except a night out with a friend, and PhD work. I really need to get back into submitting poetry to lit mags – I seem to have stagnated a bit on that front. I’m hoping the weekend will be relaxing but productive! But mostly, I’m excited about having some lie-ins.