I wasn’t going to write about this but here is a super short summary of what has been going on with me this week, which I will type up really quickly, share on Twitter, and then never look at again for all eternity.

On Tuesday my consultant’s secretary called asking me to come in to see my consultant on Thursday outside of his normal clinic sessions, at which point he told me that one of the polyps found at my last gastroscopy has cancerous cells and I need a CT scan and capsule endoscopy to see if there is any more of it and then we will decide what to do. So I went home early on Tuesday because I was so worried and sort of knew what was coming, and I had Thursday off, too.

Friday I had an appointment about my hysteroscopy results and apparently my womb has some pre-cancerous cells and they suspect early cancer there too. So I’m having another hysteroscopy under general anaesthetic this time for a more thorough look, and an MRI. So I had Friday off work as well. Me and my partner are also being referred to someone in London to talk about fertility options because I might need to have a hysterectomy. So I will probably not carry our children, if we end up having any.

My endoscopy is on Wednesday so I’m working from home on Tuesday to take the horrible bowel prep, and hopefully Wednesday I will be back at work, because these weird days off are all blurring together and I didn’t get up until like 11am today and it’s already 6pm and I don’t know where the day has gone but it’s also something of a relief because on Thursday and Friday I just didn’t even know what to do with myself or how to even exist.

So, I have cancer again basically, probably in two places. I am really scared. And I keep thinking mad thoughts, like “I wish I were dead” followed by “well then it’s a good thing you have cancer then, isn’t it?” even though I don’t want to die or be dead and they are very fleeting thoughts, but I am flitting between scary thoughts and thoughts about how I can totally handle it and it will all work out in the end, and how I feel guilty about other people feeling sad and worried and all sorts, really. I don’t mind going for an MRI or a CT scan, I’m just scared of what the results might be, and what if it isn’t early even though they do keep saying the word early, and what if it has spread which is why they have found it in two places, and how if my gynae consultant hadn’t changed his mind about me having a hysteroscopy I would have no idea about this at all, and how if I hadn’t had that trouble with my abscesses, I never would have had an MRI and they wouldn’t have sent me to the gynae consultant who sent me for a hysteroscopy which found the problem. So, thank you, abscess? I don’t believe in fate and I think the idea that everything happens for a reason is massive bullshit, but I suppose what I’m trying to say is that there are some things to be grateful for.

Anyway, that ended up longer than I expected, so maybe I should be writing more, when I feel like I can. My literary magazines are on hold/being published on and as and when basis because I don’t want to commit to anything right now. Work might have to get used to me being in and out of the office, too. And I’ll need to sit with the unfamiliar feeling of not wanting to be alone. So, there are things to get used to in lots of ways. Fingers crossed it will all work out in the end. I’d like to live to a grand old age. There’s still plenty to do.