I found someone who could probably empathise with the loss of my brother, who would know what it’s like to not remember a family member and not be able to grieve… and they are a fictional character! It’s Rodney from Only Fools and Horses, which my partner has been watching recently. I can definitely relate to this conversation, from S2E5: The Yellow Peril. Rodney and Del are sat by their mother’s grave. I bolded the important bit. If anyone else can relate, let me know. That would be sort of nice.
low blood pressure
very little trouble sleeping
haven’t vomited since January 2011
bones all intact
badass scars
cute dimple at old stoma site
super-efficient waste disposal system
tattoos
clear skin
soles of feet have a pleasing arch
mad hair that sometimes looks pretty good
ambiguously-coloured eyes
back curves in, butt sticks out
boobs
pretty good legs
GREAT hands
ticklish
baby face needs ID for buying alcohol
can smell onion rings cooking at twenty paces
I’ve never known brotherly love.
I didn’t grow up fighting with siblings
or learning to ride a bike down my
street with a mocking grin and a
steady hand at my side. I grew up
with the knowledge that there was a
gaping hole where a boy should have been.
Where my big brother would have been.
But you,
the boys who are like big brothers to me
– even the younger ones –
are always working to fill the gap.
I.
The boy who said I could call him at 3am
if I needed to. The same boy who dreamt
I died and called me to make sure it
wasn’t true.
II.
The boy who can always tell if I’m not okay
and always checks on me. The boy who
supports my writing and encourages me.
III.
The boy who goes out to eat with me and
listens. The boy who I always laugh with.
IV.
The boy who was my inseparable friend
all the way through school – Sonic,
Animorphs, Power Rangers, marbles.
The fiercest loyalty on the playground.
The boys who laugh with me even when
my jokes are terrible. The boys who make
me feel like I belong somewhere, like I’m
important. The boys who look after me
and let me support them, too.
The boys who will always matter.
Thank you.
this requires two hands
one to hold the pen
one to grasp a piece of star
and determine how it feels –
what’s it like when those
jagged edges cut the skin
and does the blood glisten
as much as this artefact I
stole from the sky
stand back:
this is going to get messy
there is crimson on the page
crimson on my palms, crimson
on the pen and now crimson in
my mouth and the metallic tinge
is how I imagine stars taste but
I have to know for sure so I
lean down and touch the tip of
this fragment of space mountain
with my tongue and it is like a
silver shard of sugar tainted by
the darkness that has tried to
engulf it for a million years but
it has endured until now – now,
now it heaves its last breath as
it lies in my hand. I have plucked
it from its habitat and I have
killed it. turns out the darkness
was the only thing keeping it
alive, and it flushes gently,
dimming for longer with each
pulse until it is nothing but a
piece of grey coal and my
vermillion hands are glowing
as if it has given its life to them.
I realised this week that I have sort of come to be quite fond of my stoma site. Yeah, you can see where the staples used to be and the skin stretched, and the scar is a bit raised and lighter than the skin around it, and I can’t really feel when I touch it. But it sort of goes in a bit, like a dimple, and I think it’s sorta cute? If I could change something about my belly I would lose a bit of weight from it and tone it up a bit. I have come to love my scars and I wouldn’t want to get rid of them or change them. <3
