I could finish my PhD
I can feel fulfilled by my career
I could get married and we could adopt a kid
We could get two pet cats
I could live to be 40, 50, 60, 70, even 80
But I will never stop having CMMRD
We could win the lottery and that wouldn’t change my yearly tests – not the fact I have to have them or the outcome of them.
I could have all the good fortune and success in the world and that won’t reduce my cancer risk, it won’t alleviate my anxiety, it won’t change my health.
And I guess on the surface, this comes from a place of despair, of knowing my health worries won’t end until I die. And that might make everything seem a bit pointless.
But beyond that, on the flip side, there is acceptance.
If I can accept this state of affairs,
if I can realise what won’t change and take solace in what will,
if I can come to terms with my condition and what’s required to keep me alive and well,
if I can take this as part and parcel of my life –
maybe fulfilment and success are possible, and maybe peace of mind is that little bit more attainable.