Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Tag: grateful

Post-checkup Check-in – Diagnosis: Happy

Hello! Life is really nice right now. I’ve started back at work part-time and I’m enjoying it. The dress code changed so we can wear casual clothes. I’m looking forward to a couple of weekend trips away with my boyfriend. I’m thinking about doing a PhD. I was anxious last week because I had a phone call on Tuesday asking me to go in for my annual flexi sig on Friday and that was like, no time at all to get used to the idea. But I went and they said my internal pouch is healthy. There’s nothing like that kind of relief.

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Thank you for un-understanding

When you’re struggling with breathing,
it’s time to stop reading –
switch off your brain when
thinking about screening
leads to real life screaming

I probably am scared of death
but mainly I am afraid of this body
and that is far more immediate.
What will it do next?

But my problems aren’t for you to solve
– but thank you –
just shut up and nod and listen

I am glad you can’t understand.
I am glad you haven’t experienced this.
In a way, I don’t want you to “get it”.
Your inability to empathise is just
another thing to be grateful for.

I love how the friend I mentioned in the latest post basically answered the poem I had written in my previous post. <3

Bad things and good things

Further to my last post, this is my attempt at writing something cheerful. It’s kind of happy and unhappy at the same time, but at least it’s some sort of transition, and I’m happy with it. I love being able to be so honest in my writing and share it with whoever comes across it.

Happiness can come out of bad things,
you just have to squeeze the bad thing really hard
and look really carefully at the mess that’s been made.
It might be hard to find the happiness,
but if you don’t at least try to look
then you’ll never have a chance of seeing it at all.

Since I was given my bad thing I’ve spent a long time
turning it over in my hands, putting it down,
picking it back up, staring at it from all angles,
so now when I look at my good things they look
even better than they ever have, and I feel extra glad
that I have them, but at the same time extra scared
that one day I won’t have them anymore. 

My appreciation is love, wrapped up in terror,
wrapped in a heightened sense of the mortality
of everything and everyone, but essentially
it’s very warm and soft with a hard, tough centre
made up of too much knowledge of the world.
And I say I feel 17 instead of 27, but sometimes
I feel wise beyond my years in ways I never wanted
but at the same time am grateful for,
like I’m grateful for [you].

Written on Saturday 20th September, 2014 at 23:54

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