Sam Alexandra Rose

Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Tag: cancer (Page 5 of 8)

Positive Thoughts!

February 1, 2017 / / 0 Comments

Next Friday I’m going for my checkups and I’m trying to be positive about it, so this is a post to say that it’s good to have checkups. They’re just checkups – it doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen, it just means if anythng bad did happen it would be dealt with quickly, so it would be less of a problem.

And I have the day off work, and my boyfriend is taking me to the hospital and has the day off too, so we can spend the afternoon on the couch together, and we’re going out for an early Valentine’s day, shopping and dinner on the Sunday, which will be good, so it might just turn out to be a nice long weekend.

I’m sick of feeling messed up by this stuff. Positive vibes, positive vibes!

I’m scared

January 18, 2017 / / 0 Comments

Got my annual gastroscopy coming up next Friday. Been thinking about it for over a week already and there’s still eight days to go. I think it might make it easier if I admit to being scared and make it really obvious. What’s the point in hiding it? It’s normal to be anxious. So.

I’m scared. I’m worried about what the outcome will be. I am scared and that’s normal.

If you have a scan or a checkup coming up soon too and you’re scared, it’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared. Give yourself a break. Let yourself be. The waiting is the worst bit. (Actually, the gastroscopy itself is rubbish too so it’s all crap really, but whatever.) The waiting is hard. But do what you can. It is what it is.

Look at me, talking like I have all the answers. I don’t know any better than anyone else. i’m just trying to get by, and thinking that maybe admitting fear exists makes it a tiny bit smaller somehow. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to be honest about it. There is no shame here, only truth. I’m scared and that’s normal. I’m scared, and that’s normal.

Concentrate on the things you do know

January 14, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I was trying to figure out if I have anxiety or ptsd or what, because all this health stuff makes me feel crazy. And I don’t think I have ptsd because I don’t think the medical definition of ptsd applies to me. Plus, it feels like things aren’t over, but they’re still happening – because of having to go for checkups, etc. So maybe it’s not ptsd because I’m not just struggling with the past but worrying about the future.

Continue reading

New Story Published Online!

January 7, 2017 / / 0 Comments

Hello! I’ve had a short story published in an online zine today. Well, it’s sort of a very short fiction thing based on real life but sort of fictional. It’s metaphorical, which I love, and based on my health experiences and feelings around that. You can find it in issue 12 of Degenerate Literature. Hope you like it, and if it resonates with anyone please let me know – it’s awesome to connect with people who have had similar feelings and experiences!

Top 10 Cancer Blog of 2016!

January 6, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I’m so pleased to say that this blog has been named one of the top ten cancer blogs of 2016!

The lovely people over at IHadCancer.com listed their ten top cancer blogs of last year, and out of hundreds of submissions, mine was one of the top ten!

So, I can now say I’m officially an award-winning blogger, right?! I’m even gonna get a badge to put on my blog and everything.

I mean, when I submitted my blog for consideration I didn’t even know it was for an award type thing, I just thought they were putting a list of resources together. And I thought my blog would be too poem-y and not quite as bloggy as others to merit consideration. So this is really cool.

And best of all, it’s really inspired me and motivated me to keep writing, and blogging, and posting my poetry. I feel appreciated and like what I do matters, and that is the best start to the new year I could have gotten. So a huge thank you to the guys and girls at IHC – it might sound silly but this really means a lot. You’ll all be hearing a lot more from me in 2017. This is my year.

I can see I’m in great company, and it’s really cool to be connecting to other cancer bloggers on Twitter, too. You can see the list of all the top ten blogs and special mentions on the IHadCancer.com website.

my cancer story

November 18, 2016 / / 0 Comments

I wasn’t planning to do this tonight, but I have been asked today what my cancer story is, and not for the first time. So I’m basically doing now what I intended to do when I was first asked by someone on Tumblr a few months ago but never got around to – a brief summary of my cancer story.

Continue reading

Stream of consciousness

July 23, 2016 / / 0 Comments

A stream of conciousness I just found in my notes and probably wrote at work:

We write to stay afloat. I could talk to someone but I don’t even know what I would say anymore. I am no longer coherent, I have inherited
something I cannot give back, in body and mind, in thought and many unkind ways. where have the days gone that I once knew, those peaceful, carefree, relaxed days when everything was almost always okay? Who do I talk to now? I don’t even know what I would say that would be worth the energy, worth other people hearing, worth enduring their concerned faces, as all traces of me fade away, even those alive in the minds of others. All I can say is I’m sorry I can’t and I don’t know and I don’t know.

on post-traumatic stress after cancer

June 29, 2016 / / 0 Comments

Having PTSD – or anxiety, or whatever the hell this is – is like lugging a big heavy suitcase around with you all day, but it seems to be invisible to everyone else and you’re shouting at them in your head, “Why can’t you see this thing?!” But you don’t dare say it out loud in case the suitcase really is all in your head and your friends and family think you’re crazy and making a big deal out of nothing, or just attention seeking or trying to get sympathy. Experience has already taught you there are wrong people to try to talk to about it, so you keep your luggage to yourself and hope one day it becomes lighter, and someone sees it and says “are you okay with all of that?” And then you can finally say “No. Thank you for asking about it. I am not okay right now.” After days, weeks, months of lying, you will finally have found a chance to tell the truth. “No, I’m not okay, and this is a bit heavy, actually.” And then someone might give you a luggage trolley, or something. And things will be easier. I hope. Because I don’t even know where to find a luggage trolley.

How do you find yourself again after cancer?

February 24, 2016 / / 0 Comments

This is just for me. If someone else gets something out of it too, whether it makes someone else feel less alone, or like someone can relate, that’s fantastic. If not, then fine, it’ll just be an outlet for me.

I’m struggling this week. I had a bad dream a couple of nights ago, and because I didn’t want to have any more bad dreams, I delayed going to bed last night and went to sleep late. Not too late, but I was tired today. I feel perpetually tired.

Continue reading

« Older posts Newer posts »

IHadCancer.com Best Cancer Blog Award Winner 2016, Runner-up 2017

IHadCancer.com Best Cancer Blog Awards

follow me

© 2024 Sam Alexandra Rose

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑