Hospital appointment on Wednesday – first of three different ones but I’m still waiting for the others to come through. I’ve been feeling quite content and at peace today and yesterday, considering, but I’m feeling a tiny bit anxious this evening. Which is illogical, because nothing has changed between then and now. Goodness knows how I will feel when I wake up in the morning. Some days I wake up feeling worried and other days I wake up feeling chirpy, and there is no discernable reason for either. It’s a lottery. I’m held hostage by my feelings. I know the Buddhist answer is to watch them come and go without attachment. I guess I could try harder at that.
I’m having a hard time with the fact that I went to therapy and found that my reactions and feelings are all normal and valid, as if there is nothing at all to be done about them.
I’d quite like all this to be over and to have some stability. If I’m in a river and the water is my body or experience or feelings, I want to be an immovable rock, not a pebble being washed up on the shore one minute and heading towards a waterfall the next.
But generally, I am doing okayish today, compared to other days. I hope it lasts but I don’t feel like I have a say in the matter. I don’t know how I can change that.