Sam Alexandra Rose

Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

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More on Body-Self Disconnect After Cancer

The other day I wrote a blog post about how I tend to think of
my body as something separate from myself, rather than part of me. I had a bit of an epiphany and now I think that the narrative I’ve been using to describe my body and my relationship with it has been harmful. You might want to read that before wading into this nonsense – it’s really a series of tweets, and it’s not very long. Basically, cancer has fucked me up in terms of how I think about myself and my body. I’m sure other illnesses can do the same, so if any of these even vaguely relates, keep reading.

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Pebbles and Immovable Rocks

Hospital appointment on Wednesday – first of three different ones but I’m still waiting for the others to come through. I’ve been feeling quite content and at peace today and yesterday, considering, but I’m feeling a tiny bit anxious this evening. Which is illogical, because nothing has changed between then and now. Goodness knows how I will feel when I wake up in the morning. Some days I wake up feeling worried and other days I wake up feeling chirpy, and there is no discernable reason for either. It’s a lottery. I’m held hostage by my feelings. I know the Buddhist answer is to watch them come and go without attachment. I guess I could try harder at that.

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Publication Announcement – In Between Hangovers

I’m excited to have three poems accepted for online zine In Between Hangovers. One is already up on the website, and two others are forthcoming! This poem, “Superheroes”, is one I wrote for another publication but it got rejected. I was going to put it on my website but decided that I really liked it and maybe someone else would like it enough to publish it, too. I’m glad I put it back out into the wild! Here it is – Superheroes at In Between Hangovers.

don’t refer me to a surgeon

don’t refer me to a surgeon,
refer me to a good friend.
give me a letter urging me
to go to the pub immediately.

don’t refer me to the hospital,
refer me to jack daniels.
after all, he is a specialist
in these things.

don’t refer me to a doctor
refer me to my boyfriend
send me home to do nothing
just refer me back to bed.

nothing freewrite

I did a free write and this is what came out.

Everything starts with I. It’s like there is nothing else to talk about but myself and the wind, the storm, the loss. So much loss. I don’t think I even care about when it will end or why, just that one day there will
be peace and there will be sunshine. There is no stopping it. I know that now there is nothing except the wind in my face and its strength is determined by some unknown weatherman who decides these things. Who decides these things? Not me, that’s for sure. There is a breeze or there is a gale or there is something between the two but there is no rest for the wind now, there is no rest for the wind. Sometimes I think that there is fire and the wind will spread it. The
wind will turn the flames bluer than they have ever been. And there will be snow. And there will be gusts, so much of a gust, and no guts, no guts left for me. Nothing left of me. Windswept, scooped up and carried away on a tail, on a sheet, in a sack, something taken in broad daylight – not in the dead of night.

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