Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Category: Poetry (Page 6 of 20)

stand back

stand back:
I’m writing poetry

this requires two hands
one to hold the pen
one to grasp a piece of star
and determine how it feels –
what’s it like when those
jagged edges cut the skin
and does the blood glisten
as much as this artefact I
stole from the sky

stand back:
this is going to get messy

there is crimson on the page
crimson on my palms, crimson
on the pen and now crimson in
my mouth and the metallic tinge
is how I imagine stars taste but
I have to know for sure so I
lean down and touch the tip of
this fragment of space mountain
with my tongue and it is like a
silver shard of sugar tainted by
the darkness that has tried to
engulf it for a million years but
it has endured until now – now,
now it heaves its last breath as
it lies in my hand. I have plucked
it from its habitat and I have
killed it. turns out the darkness
was the only thing keeping it
alive, and it flushes gently,
dimming for longer with each
pulse until it is nothing but a
piece of grey coal and my
vermillion hands are glowing
as if it has given its life to them.

I can’t shake the thought of us
coming to each other’s rescue
It’s what you always do for me
and I want you to need me, too.

caged

someone opened the cage door
but I have nowhere to fly to.
I fear my wings won’t take me
far enough. what is the outside
world like? which way is right?
who would want me to fly to them
anyway? I’m sure I’ve no idea. they
might as well just shut me in. here I
will collect dust while those
around me take flight. I don’t
know where to fly or if I’m even
capable of flying, much less
going on my own.

I can’t remember who I wrote this for or why, but it was probably important at the time.

evening instructions

Go for a drive after dark.
Drive out into the countryside.
Do it on a clear night.
Take yourself somewhere quiet.
Pull over into a layby, by a field or on a hill.
Make it somewhere where you can see the important things. The stars. The moon.
Lock the car doors.
Take off your seatbelt. Make yourself comfortable.
Look up at the sky.
Look for the North Star and the big dipper.
Look at the city lights across the way.
Look at the fields.
Look at the nothing.
Feel the nothing.
Be at peace.

I would rather have grief

I would rather have grief
than emptiness,
is it so wrong to feel
envious
of people who have loved
and lost?

I would take a memory
over a story, any day

I would take a funeral
I could actually remember

I would take anything that’s
more than a teddy
and a grave
and an empty head.

anarchy

will writing my feelings cement them in the present?

am I an architect of my own bad feeling

or is it just anarchy, anarchy in my body and my

mind? I am so scared of my own body and what

it will do next and there is no elegant way to say

that; the best way to say it is bluntly, but at the

same time sharply, because that’s how it feels.

I’m scared of my body but maybe not for a good

reason, so maybe I’m paranoid or a hypochondriac

and maybe I should be scared of that, too. My body

is a teenager, so close to me, and my responsibility,

but so out of my control and though this feeling will

come and go, fluctuating as my body changes, it

will never go away. Whether I’m messed up in my

body or just in my head, I will always be this way.

Christmas day evening:
kids sat on the floor in the middle
of the living room, surrounded by
presents, toys, wrapping paper,
tearing open the next big box and
waddling over, handing it to me
to release the contents. Sitting
on the couch unwinding plastic ties,
fighting with cardboard – Barbie or
a fire engine lying in my lap, waiting
to escape from plastic prisons.
Leftover turkey, salad, pigs in blankets,
pork pies, yule log. Coronation Street
Christmas special with the subtitles
on because everyone is being too
loud to hear it and there is no catch-up
or on demand TV. There is just shouting
and laughing and glasses clinking and
toys beeping and blaring, fairy lights, a
tree adorned with twenty-year-old baubles
and a wonky star, musty metallic streamers
criss-crossing the ceiling, the glow of
the electric fire, warm bread rolls in our
hands, and the outside world forgotten
even if just for one day.

weight

why
is silence made so heavy?
something
so quiet should be
               weightless
and
not a burden
               frowned upon by the
masses.
there
is a constant
                               pressure
to
change. 

I
just can’t.
                               and I’m not
sorry.

You could tell me being quiet isn’t a bad thing, but years and years and a whole childhood of being told otherwise means I’d never believe you.

skeleton in a nightcap

you, my body, you are alien to me
like a skeleton in a nightcap

and we are two different people
both disparaging each other, my
disappearing self-esteem – I don’t
know where that went and I don’t
know where I’m going. But people
seem to like us, and I am finding
that really weird these days, and
I hate that I find that weird, and
it’s a problem, but not a bad
enough problem to bother anyone
else with. it will be bad and then
it will be good and there will be
no need for words anymore

and you, my body, my skeleton
in a nightcap, you will remain
unearthly to me, and I will
remain unearthly to myself.

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