Sam Alexandra Rose

Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Category: Poetry (Page 5 of 20)

Walk in the Park

July 8, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I had a dream we were going for a walk in the park
because that is what he enjoyed doing.
I don’t know if that is really true.
He might have hated walking. 

They wanted me to come on the walk.
Mother, my niece, my nephews.
The kids saw it as a nice trip out.
Everyone easy-going.
I was not part of any of their experiences,
caught somewhere between being a
sibling and a stranger.
He mattered too much and not enough.
Here and not.
Known and not.
Mine and not. 

I didn’t want to go on the walk,
or be with any of them
so while they got ready
I stood in the kitchen for ages
leaning on the countertop,
eyes glazed over, my blank stares
making the refrigerator feel uncomfortable.
Mother just laughed at me and asked
why I stood there for so long.

Stockholm Weather Report

July 3, 2017 / / 0 Comments

The weather in Stockholm is so changeable
I can’t rely on anything here so
I must change too
I don’t even speak half the language.
The city centre rain waits until I reach
my room before it pours out its
promises
It brightens as it dries, brightens
after it has tried,
brightens after it has made a difference.
Meanwhile I sit conflicted;
happy to have travelled but looking
forward to home
happy to share experiences but
hungry for being alone with the
work I long to do.

I keep forgetting where we are not and
remembering where we are.
I hear words that suggest people see
worth in spending time with me
But I can’t see why they would.
I don’t know what they get out of this.
I don’t know what anyone gets out of me.
I think I just forgot.
Self-doubt is so unattractive
but in my lifetime I must have changed
from what I promised
like the Stockholm weather forecast.
Changed without noticing, changed from
what I thought I was and now
I don’t know what I am.

One day soon I will try something that
is just for me, and I will succeed,
and from then on that is all I will
ever need to do.
And on that day I will be powerful and
I will be found, never to be lost again.

this is not getting over it

June 14, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I can’t let go because it isn’t over
I can’t let go of something that is
determined to stick around.
and if it has formed part of my identity
that is nothing to be ashamed of
that is nothing to be concerned about
that is nothing to be fixed or talked out of
that is nothing I should try to change.

this is cemented now
this has driven me demented long
enough now
enough now with the moving on
it moves with me
enough now with staying strong or
breaking down
whatever I will be, I will be

I will not let this go because
this will not let go of me

Title inspired by “This Is Getting Over You” by Alkaline Trio.

My mantra today is “hey, at least I wrote something.”

Forgo

June 10, 2017 / / 0 Comments

my mouth forgoes feelings
so I can feel everything else
the roof of my mouth goes numb
so I can envelop myself
in self-medication
a vacation
for the senses,
a sensible
meditation,
a softening
of the edges.

five minutes

May 15, 2017 / / 0 Comments

find a corner
that doesn’t look
too grubby.
s l i d e
down the wall until
you are twice folded –
bottom on the floor, arms
around your knees
try to resist the urge
to rock back and forth
fail
let your head fall forward
close your eyes
shut it out
shut it all out
pull yourself inward
stretch the aching
small of your back
make yourself
small
smaller
smaller
pretend you have
disappeared
just for a few minutes
just give yourself
five minutes
here.

come alive

April 25, 2017 / / 0 Comments

maybe I keep writing about you because
I am looking for that one sentence I could write
to make you come alive for me. 

I realise this would be misguided.
I know I can’t make you come back.
It’s just that for me, it feels like
you were never really here.

body ode

April 23, 2017 / / 0 Comments

reasons why my body is awesome:

low blood pressure
very little trouble sleeping
haven’t vomited since January 2011
bones all intact 

badass scars
cute dimple at old stoma site
super-efficient waste disposal system
tattoos

clear skin
soles of feet have a pleasing arch
mad hair that sometimes looks pretty good
ambiguously-coloured eyes
back curves in, butt sticks out
boobs
pretty good legs
GREAT hands
ticklish
baby face needs ID for buying alcohol
can smell onion rings cooking at twenty paces

for the boys who are like big brothers to me

March 29, 2017 / / 0 Comments

0. 

I’ve never known brotherly love.
I didn’t grow up fighting with siblings
or learning to ride a bike down my
street with a mocking grin and a
steady hand at my side. I grew up
with the knowledge that there was a
gaping hole where a boy should have been.
Where my big brother would have been. 

But you,
the boys who are like big brothers to me
– even the younger ones –
are always working to fill the gap. 

I.

The boy who said I could call him at 3am
if I needed to. The same boy who dreamt
I died and called me to make sure it
wasn’t true. 

II.

The boy who can always tell if I’m not okay
and always checks on me. The boy who
supports my writing and encourages me. 

III.

The boy who goes out to eat with me and
listens. The boy who I always laugh with. 

IV.

The boy who was my inseparable friend
all the way through school – Sonic,
Animorphs, Power Rangers, marbles.
The fiercest loyalty on the playground. 

The boys who laugh with me even when
my jokes are terrible. The boys who make
me feel like I belong somewhere, like I’m
important. The boys who look after me
and let me support them, too.
The boys who will always matter.
Thank you.

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