Sam Alexandra Rose

Category: Cancer Survivorship

  • A message from a friend

    I received an amazing message today. It might not sound quite so amazing to other people, but it has made me feel so happy and empowered and excited. I was talking to my friend about all the things I want to do – travelling, different and unusual things, spontaneous things – and this was his reply:

    “You beat fucking cancer there is fuck all on this planet you can’t do!“

    I hadn’t even mentioned cancer to him but he straight away tapped into why I want to do all this stuff, without me even having to say anything. He got me, and he said exactly what I needed to hear. And now I feel so empowered, and strong, and happy and excited. That’s the reason he’s my bestie. I’ve written it down and taken a screenshot so I can look at it and remember, and I hope his words never lose their effect. Just amazing. And what’s more is he believes it, and he’s made me believe it too. What a great day.

  • Reblog from Tumblr re triggers

    clooovers:

    youneedacat:

    angrybabybirdofprey:

    okay can we just one last thing

    spreading the idea that one is only triggered when having a full blown, system-shut-down panic attack is damaging and delegitimizing to people who have physiologically and emotionally different reactions to…

    Great validating post on triggers. Speaking of which, I’ve been doing really well lately. I’ve been really happy with myself. I haven’t thought about cancer or Lynch Syndrome much for maybe a month now, and when I have, I’ve been able to let thoughts drift into my head, then let them go and move onto something else. And it’s been something I’ve instigated, like looking on the LS Facebook page, and then been able to stop thinking about easily. Until Sunday, when I answered the phone to a cancer charity who have been calling me every day for the past two weeks.

    I had been avoiding answering the phone partly because I was worried about the conversation being a trigger. I finally answered it and the guy on the line asked me why I had previously agreed to donate to the charity, to which I replied “personal experience”. I was then pressed further – “someone close to you?” “Myself…” “What kind of cancer did you have?” I probably should have just said mind your own business or something, but I just went along with the conversation. Then the guy started talking about his cousin who’d had cancer, and had suffered with a low immune system due to the treatment, and did I have that problem too? I didn’t think so. Apparently it was really difficult because nobody could visit his cousin if they had even the sniffles. That does sound difficult and though I sympathise, I don’t actually remember asking. I’ve had the charity (maybe not the same charity, thinking about it) call me before and they’ve always been really nice, but never as personal as that, with their questions or their own unsolicited anecdotes. It was all very strange and a little triggering, and also turned out to be totally unnecessary because they wanted me to donate regularly, which I do anyway.

    So. I think that’s the reason I’ve been finding it a little difficult to catch my breath a few times over the last couple of days. Breathlessness caused by stress, I think. I’m just going to have to try really hard to kerb my thoughts and not slip back down that hill. It’s only a setback if I let it be a setback, right?

  • Difficult writing

    Gotta try to write a difficult thing tonight. I’ve been putting it off because it just hasn’t… come out. I had a difficult conversation with my manager about my medical history this week and I think that took it out of me and now my inspiration is shot to shit. Hoping Jack Daniels is gonna get it outta me tonight because I don’t wanna put it off anymore. Might help if i ever turn off Orange Is The New Black. Write drunk, edit drunk, submit drunk, stop being distracted. #AwesomeWritingAdvice

  • Self-love lists

    I started writing something tonight (a potential guest blog post) then realised that I’m not in the right frame of mind at the moment to write it. I can’t deal with the subject right now. So I listened to myself, and I stopped. This is progress. Respecting my own feelings and doing the sensible thing for a change. I’ll pick up where I left off another day.

    (more…)

  • Self-love (oh yeah)

    I’ve decided that flouncing in and out of weird moods triggered by, well, cancer-related triggers, is not good enough. I know I’m struggling to be positive but when I get into a funk, I get so deep into it that it’s like I lose sight of how and where I came in and it’s like I’m not even sad for the original reasons anymore, I’m just unhappy without knowing why. I think there are a lot of things I get upset about – what I’ve been through in the past, fear that I might get cancer again, feeling upset that so much has changed and I don’t feel like my old self anymore – I think that’s the biggie a the moment. (Why I’m struggling so much now, five years on, I have no idea.)

    (more…)

  • For World Cancer Day

    For World Cancer Day today, I pitch to you that we need more knowledge, not more awareness. Sure, a picture of a candle shared on Facebook raises awareness, but I think by now we’re all aware that cancer exists, many of us painfully so. Awareness has been covered. We need knowledge – knowledge for a cure, knowledge for research, knowledge of how to support each other when it happens, knowledge of the symptoms to look out for, of how to help ourselves, of monitoring our own bodies, and looking after our mental health during and after the event.

    So instead of posting a picture of a candle on social media, how about we all post something that’s actually useful? Like a list of symptoms, or sources where people can get help and advice if they need it – or even donate to a charity. Awareness has been done already, and I feel like the whole thing is a bit like telling children there are cars in the road without telling them about the green cross code. Now is the time for knowledge, because knowledge can bring action. Post something helpful today.

  • If My Brain Were Hairy

    I tried waxing my legs today for the first time in years.
    Then I remembered why I haven’t used wax strips in years.
    It hurts. Sure, it doesn’t hurt for long, but it’s so very
    unnecessary to put myself through it. I’ve been through
    enough physical pain in the past and probably will in the
    future, all of it relatively unavoidable. So why would I
    cause myself more pain for no real reason? I threw the
    wax strips away, but not before realising that although
    I’m so good at avoiding causing myself physical harm,
    I do very little to avoid hurting myself emotionally and
    mentally. It’s like shaving my brain with wax strips
    instead of a razor. If my brain were hairy.

  • A Swedish Cancerversary

    Poor me.
    Pour me
    another.

    This summer will be five years since I had my sub total colectomy (bowel removal/intestine eviction). So, essentially that will be five years of being cancer-free. I’d quite like to do something to “celebrate” (as much as you can celebrate once having a life-threatening disease). I googled it to get some ideas and there are a lot of sites about it, apparently it’s called a cancerversary, but that sounds a bit weird. I looked up the exact date of my operation, and it was 27th July 2010. Funnily enough, two days ago me and my parents booked a trip to Gothenburg, Sweden (I’m learning Swedish and can’t wait to go). We’re going on our trip on the 27th. Weird, right?

    So that’s kind of a celebration. Though I might not want to mention that to my parents, because, awks. Awkward to talk about what happened full stop, but awkward celebrating me being okay when my brother died of cancer. Is that survivor’s guilt?

    I don’t know. Plus it’s occurred to me that any thoughts about celebrating six months in advance could be a bit previous. Like tempting fate. So. That makes me feel scared. So, mixed feelings. Happiness, relief, sorrow, guilt, fear, impatience.

  • The self-care of not searching the internet

    One of these days I need to get better at realising when spending time browsing the internet for blogs about cancer and Lynch Syndrome goes from reading interesting stories and finding people who empathise, to just fucking torturing myself.

    Today is not that day.

    Tomorrow probably won’t be, either.

    (more…)

  • Professor Green

    Professor Green

    bokehblur:

    A few weeks ago, my mother asked me why I like Professor Green. It’s a fair question, since I’m usually much more of a rock chick – I like Alkaline Trio, 30 Seconds to Mars, Slipknot, Muse, My Chemical Romance, Placebo, and countless others. So it was reasonable of her to ask why I like Professor…

    Reblogging this post from myself from a year or two ago, because I saw Professor Green at O2 Academy in Birmingham on Saturday, after a long time waiting for his rescheduled tour dates, and it was brilliant. That feeling I get when I’m at a gig and just… all the feels, I dunno. It’s hard to put into words. But this still is the reason – I love Pro Green because he gets me so much. Like, the whole second verse of Lullaby is just… yep. I’m a writer and I can’t even say what I’m trying to say. He said something like that once, too. Bloody love him.

    But the point of things I never have went from
    Being a reason for the things that I do
    To just being an excuse that I’d use
    I’ve gotta take responsibility for the things I do
    Find something other than negativity for my fuel
    But I feed off it, even when I don’t seem bothered
    I hide everything that’s going on inside
    Guess it’s been a while since I’ve been honest, I need help
    But I deny it and even lie to myself like I’m fine.