I started writing something tonight (a potential guest blog post) then realised that I’m not in the right frame of mind at the moment to write it. I can’t deal with the subject right now. So I listened to myself, and I stopped. This is progress. Respecting my own feelings and doing the sensible thing for a change. I’ll pick up where I left off another day.
sharp,deep cuts
gentle grazes
bloodied by the sun
raised scabs crusting over
pale white scars
thinly streaking
splotches of purple bruises
fading to nothing but a memory
as night begins to fall
I remember feeling January approach
and wishing for a year so unlike the last,
a year to conquer all years,
a year to make up for everything.
But that put the world under too much
pressure; that was too much for it to
live up to.
I love to have nightmares because
they make me fall in love with reality –
whatever that reality may be.
I’ve decided that flouncing in and out of weird moods triggered by, well, cancer-related triggers, is not good enough. I know I’m struggling to be positive but when I get into a funk, I get so deep into it that it’s like I lose sight of how and where I came in and it’s like I’m not even sad for the original reasons anymore, I’m just unhappy without knowing why. I think there are a lot of things I get upset about – what I’ve been through in the past, fear that I might get cancer again, feeling upset that so much has changed and I don’t feel like my old self anymore – I think that’s the biggie a the moment. (Why I’m struggling so much now, five years on, I have no idea.)
I’m sorry I’m a walking disaster and
I’m sorry that I want to show you
all my fault lines so you know all of me.
I’m sorry I’m cracking under the
pressure of a natural disaster.
I’m sorry if I ever make it sound
like I want you to save me.
I know you can’t.
I’m sorry if I’m a handful.
I press my palms together
and fold my thumbs
and close my lids
and I bow my head –
please don’t retreat.
please.
I can feel myself coming down
or going up, or moving in
whichever direction is the right one.
I don’t know how I’m doing it
or how to keep doing it,
but I hope I do.
I think I’m getting worse at hiding this.
This is both good and terrible.
Mostly terrible.
Actually all terrible.
I’m angry at the person I am now
because I’m not the same
as the person I used to be.
I don’t know how to change.
I could pick myself back up
but I’m only one person
and I don’t know how.
How many layers of clothing does it take
to hide these scars?
I’m not just dealing with my feelings about it
I’m dealing with how I feel about those feelings
and how I feel about feeling that way about my feelings
Feelings on top of feelings on top of feelings
until everything’s lost all meaning.
How much time should it take to shake this?
I don’t know. I don’t know.