The weather in Stockholm is so changeable
I can’t rely on anything here so
I must change too
I don’t even speak half the language.
The city centre rain waits until I reach
my room before it pours out its
It brightens as it dries, brightens
after it has tried,
brightens after it has made a difference.
Meanwhile I sit conflicted;
happy to have travelled but looking
forward to home
happy to share experiences but
hungry for being alone with the
work I long to do.
I keep forgetting where we are not and
remembering where we are.
I hear words that suggest people see
worth in spending time with me
But I can’t see why they would.
I don’t know what they get out of this.
I don’t know what anyone gets out of me.
I think I just forgot.
Self-doubt is so unattractive
but in my lifetime I must have changed
from what I promised
like the Stockholm weather forecast.
Changed without noticing, changed from
what I thought I was and now
I don’t know what I am.
One day soon I will try something that
is just for me, and I will succeed,
and from then on that is all I will
ever need to do.
And on that day I will be powerful and
I will be found, never to be lost again.
So I’ve been thinking about getting counselling to help with fear of recurrence, self confidence and body confidence stuff, but there are a number of reasons why I’m apprehensive about getting counselling. So I thought I’d try to be proactive in giving myself some self-therapy. I haven’t found much on the internet about how to do this, but the above is a really quick list of a few things I’d like to put in a kind of self-affirmation scrapbook. Other things I thought of after I took the pic were poems I’ve written that I’m really happy with, poems I’ve had published that I’m proud of, and my favourite selfies. I’m not sure if I’m going about this the right way. Like, I could keep adding to the book and read the positive things in it, and use it to identify things I want to change and figure out how to change them as well. I don’t know, what do you think?
you, my body, you are alien to me
like a skeleton in a nightcap
and we are two different people
both disparaging each other, my
disappearing self-esteem – I don’t
know where that went and I don’t
know where I’m going. But people
seem to like us, and I am finding
that really weird these days, and
I hate that I find that weird, and
it’s a problem, but not a bad
enough problem to bother anyone
else with. it will be bad and then
it will be good and there will be
no need for words anymore
and you, my body, my skeleton
in a nightcap, you will remain
unearthly to me, and I will
remain unearthly to myself.
IHadCancer.com Best Cancer Blog Award Winner 2016, Runner-up 2017