Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Tag: fear

The Longshort of June

June, d’you know
when you will end
can anyone tell me
when it ends
if it ends
I have been searching
for the tail of the thread
but it disappears between
my fingers
the month so short
already gone
yet not
but not
where does it end

in July
what lies ahead
what sinks beneath
the surface of calm
the surface of thirty
degree heat
of sweat
of sweet words
of meet again soon
of I love yous
of ways we amuse ourselves
press the panic down
press ourselves
into each other
grapple for something
resembling reassurance
resembling advice

we must voice
what lurks beneath
the fear that penetrates our skin
the worry we absorb
anxiety we bathe our muscles in
desperation that resides within
something akin to over-feeling
that overwhelm that sinks between

our skin and bones
and bones
and bones


someone opened the cage door
but I have nowhere to fly to.
I fear my wings won’t take me
far enough. what is the outside
world like? which way is right?
who would want me to fly to them
anyway? I’m sure I’ve no idea. they
might as well just shut me in. here I
will collect dust while those
around me take flight. I don’t
know where to fly or if I’m even
capable of flying, much less
going on my own.


will writing my feelings cement them in the present?

am I an architect of my own bad feeling

or is it just anarchy, anarchy in my body and my

mind? I am so scared of my own body and what

it will do next and there is no elegant way to say

that; the best way to say it is bluntly, but at the

same time sharply, because that’s how it feels.

I’m scared of my body but maybe not for a good

reason, so maybe I’m paranoid or a hypochondriac

and maybe I should be scared of that, too. My body

is a teenager, so close to me, and my responsibility,

but so out of my control and though this feeling will

come and go, fluctuating as my body changes, it

will never go away. Whether I’m messed up in my

body or just in my head, I will always be this way.

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