Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)

Tag: cancer (Page 7 of 8)

a cancerous week

so we’re going down this route?
let’s pretend this is fiction.

I
can’t I can’t  I can’t I can’t
there’s
too much of it
there’s
just too much of it
when
will it end
when
will it go away
I
just can’t I’m sorry 

I can’t go anywhere without it
It’s
been a bad week.
It’s
not like I’m holding onto it
I
just can’t let it go – it’s holding onto me
so
what am I supposed to do? 

I
can only apologise to myself
again
it’s
been five years since I found out what was going to happen
five
years since that photo was taken
when
I forced a smile for the flash
when
I had something to say but just couldn’t
when
I was silent
when
you didn’t fucking notice
when
I was in shock and it felt sort of like
no
big deal
when
I didn’t cry 

I
am worse now
I
am feeling now
I
am five years late

it’s
been a cancerous week, alright?
and
I don’t mean that like how the
songs
and the sayings bandy it around
not
“I’m as serious as cancer
when
I say rhythm is a dancer”
but
actual cancer in forums, songs, tv
where
I don’t expect it – cancer creeping
up
on me, thrown around everywhere
and
I have to deal with it
and
I fucking can’t
I
just fucking can’t
it’s
Friday and I’m drinking and
there
is probably something wrong with this
and
no I’m not sorry
but
there is no need for you to worry
only
me
and
it’s only me
let
me deal with this
I’ll
take care of it
somehow
in
the morning things will be
better
or worse
I’m
not sure
I’d
love to share this but I can’t
I’d
fucking love to share this but I can’t

Is It Okay To Let Cancer Define You?

Let me start by saying that cancer defines me. I don’t know if I “let” it define me or if I have chosen for it to define me. Either way, the outcome is the same. My Tumblr and some of my other online profiles are simply a string of self-definitions: Writer. Buddhist. Geek. Cancer survivor. And to anyone who says “don’t let it define you,” well it’s too late. It does.

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I love how the friend I mentioned in the latest post basically answered the poem I had written in my previous post. <3

A message from a friend

I received an amazing message today. It might not sound quite so amazing to other people, but it has made me feel so happy and empowered and excited. I was talking to my friend about all the things I want to do – travelling, different and unusual things, spontaneous things – and this was his reply:

“You beat fucking cancer there is fuck all on this planet you can’t do!“

I hadn’t even mentioned cancer to him but he straight away tapped into why I want to do all this stuff, without me even having to say anything. He got me, and he said exactly what I needed to hear. And now I feel so empowered, and strong, and happy and excited. That’s the reason he’s my bestie. I’ve written it down and taken a screenshot so I can look at it and remember, and I hope his words never lose their effect. Just amazing. And what’s more is he believes it, and he’s made me believe it too. What a great day.

Tell Me II

Tell me I’m amazing and strong and
how if you were me you’d be proud
because you don’t know how you
would have coped.
Tell me I’m an inspiration, because
something good has to have
come from this.
Tell me something that will
make it all worth it.

Watering Weeds

I don’t know if I can rake this all up again.
It’s too close to the surface as it is
and requires no watering to grow,
there’s no need to hoe, and the seeds
were sown so long ago and so deeply
burrowed – I am borrowing memories
that never run out, I go back in time
every time I write a single line and
it’s scaring me so much right now
I just can’t.

I don’t know if I can do this Lynch syndrome memoir/self help book thing. I think it might be too hard. I’m going to try anyway, but I’m afraid I’m committing myself to something that is going to be more of an emotional struggle than it’s worth. I will press on. Just not tonight. Writing is hard for so many different reasons.

Self-love (oh yeah)

I’ve decided that flouncing in and out of weird moods triggered by, well, cancer-related triggers, is not good enough. I know I’m struggling to be positive but when I get into a funk, I get so deep into it that it’s like I lose sight of how and where I came in and it’s like I’m not even sad for the original reasons anymore, I’m just unhappy without knowing why. I think there are a lot of things I get upset about – what I’ve been through in the past, fear that I might get cancer again, feeling upset that so much has changed and I don’t feel like my old self anymore – I think that’s the biggie a the moment. (Why I’m struggling so much now, five years on, I have no idea.)

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