I’ve decided that flouncing in and out of weird moods triggered by, well, cancer-related triggers, is not good enough. I know I’m struggling to be positive but when I get into a funk, I get so deep into it that it’s like I lose sight of how and where I came in and it’s like I’m not even sad for the original reasons anymore, I’m just unhappy without knowing why. I think there are a lot of things I get upset about – what I’ve been through in the past, fear that I might get cancer again, feeling upset that so much has changed and I don’t feel like my old self anymore – I think that’s the biggie a the moment. (Why I’m struggling so much now, five years on, I have no idea.)
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I’m sorry I’m a walking disaster and
I’m sorry that I want to show you
all my fault lines so you know all of me.
I’m sorry I’m cracking under the
pressure of a natural disaster.
I’m sorry if I ever make it sound
like I want you to save me.
I know you can’t.
I’m sorry if I’m a handful.
I press my palms together
and fold my thumbs
and close my lids
and I bow my head –
please don’t retreat.
please.
I can feel myself coming down
or going up, or moving in
whichever direction is the right one.
I don’t know how I’m doing it
or how to keep doing it,
but I hope I do.
I think I’m getting worse at hiding this.
This is both good and terrible.
Mostly terrible.
Actually all terrible.
I’m angry at the person I am now
because I’m not the same
as the person I used to be.
I don’t know how to change.
I could pick myself back up
but I’m only one person
and I don’t know how.
How many layers of clothing does it take
to hide these scars?
I’m not just dealing with my feelings about it
I’m dealing with how I feel about those feelings
and how I feel about feeling that way about my feelings
Feelings on top of feelings on top of feelings
until everything’s lost all meaning.
How much time should it take to shake this?
I don’t know. I don’t know.
For World Cancer Day today, I pitch to you that we need more knowledge, not more awareness. Sure, a picture of a candle shared on Facebook raises awareness, but I think by now we’re all aware that cancer exists, many of us painfully so. Awareness has been covered. We need knowledge – knowledge for a cure, knowledge for research, knowledge of how to support each other when it happens, knowledge of the symptoms to look out for, of how to help ourselves, of monitoring our own bodies, and looking after our mental health during and after the event.
So instead of posting a picture of a candle on social media, how about we all post something that’s actually useful? Like a list of symptoms, or sources where people can get help and advice if they need it – or even donate to a charity. Awareness has been done already, and I feel like the whole thing is a bit like telling children there are cars in the road without telling them about the green cross code. Now is the time for knowledge, because knowledge can bring action. Post something helpful today.
Sit down and let me tell you
all the things that I am.
I guarantee my list will not
match up with any assumptions
you may have made in your head
and it will barely match up with
any list I could have made five years ago.
I tried waxing my legs today for the first time in years.
Then I remembered why I haven’t used wax strips in years.
It hurts. Sure, it doesn’t hurt for long, but it’s so very
unnecessary to put myself through it. I’ve been through
enough physical pain in the past and probably will in the
future, all of it relatively unavoidable. So why would I
cause myself more pain for no real reason? I threw the
wax strips away, but not before realising that although
I’m so good at avoiding causing myself physical harm,
I do very little to avoid hurting myself emotionally and
mentally. It’s like shaving my brain with wax strips
instead of a razor. If my brain were hairy.
Poor me.
Pour me
another.
This summer will be five years since I had my sub total colectomy (bowel removal/intestine eviction). So, essentially that will be five years of being cancer-free. I’d quite like to do something to “celebrate” (as much as you can celebrate once having a life-threatening disease). I googled it to get some ideas and there are a lot of sites about it, apparently it’s called a cancerversary, but that sounds a bit weird. I looked up the exact date of my operation, and it was 27th July 2010. Funnily enough, two days ago me and my parents booked a trip to Gothenburg, Sweden (I’m learning Swedish and can’t wait to go). We’re going on our trip on the 27th. Weird, right?
So that’s kind of a celebration. Though I might not want to mention that to my parents, because, awks. Awkward to talk about what happened full stop, but awkward celebrating me being okay when my brother died of cancer. Is that survivor’s guilt?
I don’t know. Plus it’s occurred to me that any thoughts about celebrating six months in advance could be a bit previous. Like tempting fate. So. That makes me feel scared. So, mixed feelings. Happiness, relief, sorrow, guilt, fear, impatience.
