chocolate shared on the sofa
maroon flowers emerald
leaves velvet texture
one lying down the other tiny
curled at his side a memory
or a photograph or a figment
of the imagination
I don’t know
Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)
chocolate shared on the sofa
maroon flowers emerald
leaves velvet texture
one lying down the other tiny
curled at his side a memory
or a photograph or a figment
of the imagination
I don’t know
Working on a piece of prose about my late brother while watching Iron Man 2, and the only thing that brings a slight tear to my eye all evening is Iron Man’s dad telling him posthumously that his son was his greatest creation. Well, fuck. I’ll cry at a fictional character’s grief before I cry at my own.
On Tuesday I had my first counselling appointment. My pouch has been playing up for like five days. Last night I had another bad dream. Next Friday is my uncle’s funeral. It hasn’t been the best of weeks. This prose thing that follows happened last weekend.
I wanted to make something out of this, a poem or something. But it is what it is. It doesn’t need dressing up.
Saw this tweet today and it got me thinking:
“Grief is the price you pay for love.”
— INFP Thoughts (@INFP_Thoughts) 25 April 2017
Yeah, I guess grief is the price you pay for love but though I’m sure I loved my brother as much as a baby possibly could, I don’t remember it and it’s as if he was never here at all. So I’ve paid the price in terms of grief, sort of, in a way, but I don’t feel like I got the pay off of love.
(Context: my big brother died when I was one year old. He was sixteen. I’m 29 and I’m still trying to figure this stuff out. I need someone to tell me how to grieve.)
I found someone who could probably empathise with the loss of my brother, who would know what it’s like to not remember a family member and not be able to grieve… and they are a fictional character! It’s Rodney from Only Fools and Horses, which my partner has been watching recently. I can definitely relate to this conversation, from S2E5: The Yellow Peril. Rodney and Del are sat by their mother’s grave. I bolded the important bit. If anyone else can relate, let me know. That would be sort of nice.
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