I watched a movie on the Sony Christmas Movie channel, missing some probably key bits of information and describing all the super important stuff I picked up to a friend via DM as I watched. This is the slightly mad result.

Bad Running Commentary Explaining a Christmas Movie

some woman has a weird man in her house
but the policeman can’t find him so maybe he is a ghost
ooh the man knows the alarm code
he can make himself invisible

oh he is a ghost, he is dead
oh, he’s not a ghost
but at midnight on christmas eve he will be a ghost

I think he is cursed
he is cursed with bad hair I reckon

ooo he just disappeared in front of her eyes
and then reappeared sitting on the stairs and cutting up an apple

now he’s eating a grilled cheese sandwich

he is a ghost except for two weeks leading up to Christmas

ghost man has his shirt off now

we briefly went back in time and the girl he was marrying said she was attracted to him because of his inn

the woman down the road is like my pipes burst can you open your tavern for the holidays and he’s like no
he seems like a pompous prick of a ghost
“my bartenders are excellent”
“I doubt that. the only bartender I trust is myself”
“prove it”

heavy hospitality flirting

oh the first woman is meant to be appraising the inn

past woman is like “promise me you won’t do something or other” but I think he did the thing

past woman just wandered across the hallway in the red dress, laughing weirdly

oooo present woman is trapped in a room because the door mysteriously slammed shut
there is a different ghost in the inn now being scary

obligatory putting up the christmas tree scene
“I haven’t had a christmas in 95 years”
“I am always alone at Christmas”
“I don’t know how to love”

“I will sit in this chair in the corner of your room and watch you sleep so nothing creepy happens to you”

the ghost is making pancakes now
the ghost suddenly remembers being hit on the head
canada is involved somehow


she is going somewhere but will be back. the ghost is like here is my pocket watch, take it but it might disappear when you leave the property line of this inn

ghost man is playing chess and drinking whisky with the man who owns the inn
“you fancy the flooded pub woman”
“yeah well you fancy present woman”

ooh the inn has been appraised and she can’t go back there because she has to focus on selling the place and also be present at the work Christmas party because her promotion is being announced

ghost man looks at christmas tree sadly, present woman looks at pocket watch sadly

ghost man falls asleep in snow

ooh present woman is back at the inn suddenly and is playing the piano
“any more ghost sightings?”
“only when I look in the mirror”

oh he found out he had a son, and the woman’s other marriage was just a cover, I think
awkward sad hug

flooded pub lady is decorating the ballroom for some Christmas event or other
romantic eye contact between ghost man and present woman

present woman is nervous in red dress
ghost man is like oh dammmn ur hot
she is like so are you but you are missing something, here is a present oh it’s your own pocketwatch regifted back to you
kissy kissy
might be a different pocket watch actually as he said he hadn’t seen it for a long time, unless he has a really short memory

stiff dancing
“I am among the living again”
nearly more kissy kissy but interrupted by some bearded randomer

they are running out of time trying to figure out why ghost man is only sometimes ghost man and sometimes living man

ooh past woman is back, in his memory or hallucination or something

ghost man is being bad mouthed to past woman by some bloke
ghost man remembers being smacked down to the ground ooooh
with a STONE
by a man in a flat cap and a scarf
who then disappears through a wall
he is the second ghost
bad ghost, very bad

ohh he is his cousin and the stone killed him
past ghost murder, he is remembering but both ghosts are now haunting the inn
and now having an intense chat about the past

aw he forgives his murderer

flat cap man has no earlobes

ghost man is like you are free because I forgive you
now flat cap man has disappeared
past woman is looking on all smiley

present woman is like well why is ghost man still here
but she is happy he is still here
she wants him to stay
open conversation about our feelings

ooh it’s almost midnight which is when he disappears
but she will wait for him to come back next christmas
I don’t think they have time to get laid
smoochy smoochy

she fell asleep suddenly I think?!

oh past woman is back
she is telling him he is free
past woman leads him outside then disappears

morning, present woman wakes up
ooh did he decide to stay on earth or pass over to afterlife
she looks out of the window
inn owner man is with flooded pub lady

ooh the inn has a buyer
oh it’s the owner of the inn
I guess he wasn’t the owner after all?!

present woman looks at newspaper clipping pic of ghost man and says goodbye

present woman goes outside and obvs ghost man is there, now with hat
running towards each other in snow
smoochy smoochy
the end

“merry christmas”
then the end

(The movie was “The Spirit Of Christmas”.)