Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)
I’m not going to spend long on this because I know this subject has been tackled a lot already – there are problems with the language
around cancer – battle metaphors, and so on, which seem to imply that people who ‘lose the battle’ didn’t try hard enough, or that people with cancer can do something about it, which is ridiculous.
We are the remnants
of our former selves.
We are the remains,
the leftovers.
To feel like you have been halved,
partially destroyed,
and to still have something
breaking you down bit by bit,
this is one of the hardest things.
How much of me will there be left?
There is something wrong with this.
There is something wrong with me.
I have survivor’s guilt
because while I feel traumatised
from what I’ve lived through
(and may yet live through still),
other people have actually died
and others still are grieving.
But I forget I am grieving too –
the loss of a self,
the loss of trust and confidence
the loss of untouched health.
and when I get wrapped up in this,
I forget to be grateful
and I feel guilty for a new reason.
too many feelings have formed
and now they all mesh together
in one big ball, creating
a new emotion that is
unidentifiable
and inescapable.
***
I’m asking because I really want to know. In a way, if it’s something that happened in the past, it kind of feels weird mentioning it to someone. But if a person is becoming a friend, you want them to know you better, right? I feel like if someone doesn’t at least know that I had cancer, then they don’t know enough about me, because now it’s a big part of me and my outlook on life.
Let me start by saying that cancer defines me. I don’t know if I “let” it define me or if I have chosen for it to define me. Either way, the outcome is the same. My Tumblr and some of my other online profiles are simply a string of self-definitions: Writer. Buddhist. Geek. Cancer survivor. And to anyone who says “don’t let it define you,” well it’s too late. It does.
My first chapbook Empowerthy is now available on Lulu.com! I’m so excited and pleased with how it’s turned out. The theme is empowerment and empathy, with poems about my experience as a cancer survivor with Lynch syndrome. There are a lot of poems I hope will resonate with others, and I hope some uplifting ones too!
Part of the profits will be donated to Lynch Syndrome UK.
Here are all the details:
Hard copy on Lulu.com: http://ow.ly/NE8g1
eBook on Lulu.com (ePub format for all eReaders): http://ow.ly/NE8s8
iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/book/empowerthy/id999818942?mt=11
Soon to be available in print on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, as well as KIndle, Kobo and Nook!
Thank you very much for your support; any reviews, comments etc are greatly appreciated!
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