Writer, researcher, music lover, cancer survivor with CMMRD ("double" Lynch syndrome)
what if we were never in a tunnel
and the light was just a lie we were told
to make us keep walking?
what if that burst of morning
was something they were holding
just out of our reach?
what if they watched as you ran
on that treadmill, as you
racked your brain for a lost memory
when you fought their grasp
when you held your head
when you were just trying
to remember
the softness of a neck
Your bare ring finger
is the most provocative thing
I have ever seen, matched only by
the nape of your neck.
I am tortured by the things I said I would do.
The list of things is mounting up,
things I said I could do that I just can’t,
things I wanted to do but was apprehensive of.
Where has my resolve gone?
Why no sense of urgency?
Which way does the crow fly now?
It zig-zags, taking any diversion it can.
the amount in which I miss you
is matched only by how ridiculous
it is that I miss you
and the certainty I hold that
it doesn’t bother you
how does it feel
to be so very afraid
that every dark cloud
will summon a monsoon?
how does the weatherman feel
when he sees the hurricane coming
but can do nothing about it?
how does it feel to know
that every leaden sky
could bring news just as heavy?
how will it feel when the
first raindrop rolls down the
side of your face like perspiration?
how will it feel to suddenly be
in the eye of the storm?
I wish I didn’t know.
be terminally honest
different to the point of a fault
while also
indifferent, somehow
be genetically and wholly unabashed
be careless and
care less
and want
and be so, so impatient
and impulsive –
tell yourself it’s
a good combination
love yourself
try
even when you don’t
give yourself a reason to
be shameless
know fear as a terrifying tool
open up like a lotus flower
or a bulging trash can
better out than in
talk to yourself
repeat things to yourself
get some good responses
appreciate yourself
don’t change
be unabashed
Yes, okay, I am
emotionally vulnerable –
and what?
I am tired.
Tired from bouncing from happily
oblivious to
diving headfirst into this minefield;
from straining to ignore this
and just being,
to taking ownership and weathering it and
raising awareness of it. I am tired
and I don’t know which way I will
bounce next.
That’s the problem with language; sometimes you can be saying the right words but they don’t mean the right thing. Like an idiom or a turn of phrase when you’re learning a second language. Or even when you’re speaking perfect English, or whatever your first language is. You don’t have to be an amateur to say the wrong thing even when you think you’re using the right words.
I had another guest blog posted, this time over at IHadCancer.com, musing about the positive and negative effects cancer has had on my life (yes, there are one or two positives!).
Check it out here:
http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/03-21-2015/What-Would-My-Life-Be-Like-Without-Cancer
Thank you for reading. 🙂
people keep saying
how strong I am and
I’m slowly starting
to believe them.
© 2025 Sam Alexandra Rose
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑